Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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