My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
