The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize