Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
