I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
