Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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