Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
