Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
