you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
