K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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