Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
