Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
