Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize