2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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