My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
