her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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