I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
