good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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