My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
