I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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