Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
