hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
