sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
