So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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