Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
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