Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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