Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
