my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
