i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
