We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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