Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Alive.
So much puke
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
be right there i have to get my cape
Randomize
