I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
