$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
