im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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