pedialite and red bull = repair kit
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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