Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
