I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i love accidental penises.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
birth control should be required to get into college
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
