a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
