I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
