If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
