I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
