I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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