Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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