I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
