kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
