We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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