can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
