god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
