I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
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