I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
