I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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