I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
