Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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