The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
