Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
