Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
