you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
