I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
