Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
